UNCOMFORTABLE COMFORTABLENESS

Two days before Christmas break. The most awaited day, but, I seem not to feel that way. Looking back the past 5 months or so, I don't feel much contentment about the accomplishment in work and professional life. I feel that I am just drifting away, just making the day pass. I am looking for something that would change the course a little bit.
I have been trying to get into a grad school for the past 2 years. My enthusiasm would die down after a couple of tries. The last time I have attempted of getting a new direction was last June. It was good. I did good. But later on, I just hit dead end.

I know what I want in life. But the fire is not there anymore. Does it come with age? Or I was just dumb lazy. Or was I very comfortable to my life situation that I don't want to rock the boat.

I remembered one time while I was attending, my first time, to attend the Convocation of the CM in Angono. Most of the time, I sat on a particular spot, never traded it with another one. Then, one night, Fr. Oabel came to me, saying, " You really does not want change. You are afraid of going other direction." I vehemently argued with him that he was reading me incorrectly. And, that was just still part of his CPE thought-paradigm.

Perhaps that was true. Especially when I am very comfortable in my life. Right now, it is happening again. I know the opportunity here is great. That I could be what I want to be. I just don't have the fire, yet.

Hopefully it will change this summer.

On the other hand, I would not trade the books and research papers from Zach's and Coco's annoying embrace and banter. No amount of thesis or dissertation can compare their incomprehensible silliness and stubbornness.

Perhaps, right now, I am just very comfortable being a father. And I hope it does not change.